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Introduction
Even my friends in high school knew I was the one they could count on for just about anything. If we were working on a project, I’d bring the supplies. If we needed to get somewhere for extra credit, my parents drove us. No matter what…I was the responsible one.
Now, I’m still responsible.
The list of responsibilities has changed, but it hasn’t gotten any shorter over the years.
- Stay with my parents 5 nights/6 days a week
- Teaching online (for a couple of years now)
- Being a wife
- Bowling in a league with my husband and some friends (weekly)
- Trying to run a business
Do any of those sound familiar? Are you tired from looking at my list? And, does just making your own list exhaust you?
I’m right there with you. You are NOT alone in this. We are part of the “sandwich generation”–we care for our own families and help care for our parents. It’s just a season, but it is where God has us–you and me, and many others just like us!
Key Takeaways
- Being the “responsible one” can lead to emotional burnout
- Carrying everyone else’s needs does not mean you have to ignore your own
- Creating boundaries is healthy and biblical
- Understanding that God is not asking you to carry every burden alone
- Making small changes can help you lighten the emotional load
Why the “Responsible One” Often Feels So Heavy
You Become the Default Person
When you’re the responsible one, your phone stays on 24/7. You never know when the phone call is coming in for an emergency or to check the schedule for appointments.
Your schedule revolves around everyone’s schedule. Or, maybe you make their schedules revolve around yours. Either way, the schedules match–to the point that you have certain days that you do specific things for each person.
How You Know You’re the Go-To Person
- Everyone calls you to ask questions.
- You feel guilty when you say “no.”
- Your memory holds on to everything for everyone else.
- You feel pressure to hold everything together, all the time.
- People always assume you can handle more–no matter how much is already on your plate.
The Mental Load No One Sees
Everyone’s mental load is a little different. However, I have the added blessing (yes, it’s a blessing) of having ADHD. There are some things that almost everyone in the “sandwich generation” feels and understands.
- Thinking ahead–always
- Handling invisible tasks
- Having emotional labor
- Remembering medications and appointments
- Checking on parents
- Worrying about money
- Helping kids emotionally
- Balancing everyone’s needs at once
- Wondering if you are taking care of yourself
- Carrying worry for everyone else
- Living in fight-or-flight mode–consistently
The Emotional Toll of Always Being Strong
Feeling Like You Can Never Fall Apart
Sometimes, I feel like falling apart is the best way to handle everything. However, falling apart isn’t allowed. The nights when I cry myself to sleep from utter exhaustion and the fear of all the things I didn’t get finished are almost innumerable.
When you’re in the sandwich, you feel like you have to maintain composure at all costs. “Never let them see you sweat” and “Never let them see you cry” become mottos of daily life.
If you break down, you feel like you have disappointed someone–sometimes that person is yourself. You just never admit that.
Often, you feel like there is no room for you to have and feel your own emotions.
Just know that you are not alone. God sees you. He feels your emotions, and He carries your feelings with you, for you.
The Loneliness of Carrying So Much
When you do things for so many people, it can sometimes seem like no one sees you. It feels like you’re invisible. But, I want you to know that God sees you.
There are long stretches of time when no one asks how YOU are feeling or how YOU are doing. Just because you are doing things and helping others does not mean that your life, your struggles, have stopped. You still have things going on for yourself, even while you are caring for others.
What Helped Me Start Carrying the Weight Differently
Accepting That I Cannot Do Everything
Technically, this is one that I am still working on. God has to remind me, basically daily, that I can’t do everything. I have to allow some things to stay undone or wait until later to be completed.
There are some things I have learned and others I am still learning.
- Set realistic expectations
- Release perfectionism
- Understand human limitations
Learning to Ask for Help
Simple Ways to Share the Load
These ways sound simple, but when you are used to being responsible and used to taking care of everything for yourself to be sure that it is done, they aren’t simple.
- Delegate responsibilities
- Ask siblings/family for help
- Let kids help in age-appropriate ways
- Stop overexplaining what you need
Most of those hit home for me. I am great at delegating. I can tell you the person who would be great at doing something. However, if I call/text and ask for help, if they don’t jump at the chance, I say, “I just thought I’d ask. I can do it.” Then I do it myself. Does that sound familiar? Do you do that?
I have 2 siblings. Both are married. One has 5 kids and 5 grandkids and works full-time plus some. The other has 4 kids–2 of whom are medically complex. They both have their own lives, and they can’t just jump to do things–unless it’s an emergency.
Setting Boundaries Without Constant Guilt
Why should we set boundaries?
- Boundaries protect our health
- Boundaries protect our relationships.
- Jesus rested too. (We are called to be like Jesus.)
Yes! I see that list. You see it too. You know that you need boundaries, but as soon as you see that word–BOUNDARIES–you start feeling a knot in your stomach or your throat. The feeling of “If I say ‘NO’, who is going to do it?” creeps in. The fear of boundaries is real, but God never meant for us to live a life without boundaries–without rest.
Examples of Healthy Boundaries
There are some boundaries you (and I) can set without stressing too much, maybe.
- Not answering the phone immediately for every call
- Protecting your resting time
- Saying, “I can help, but not today.”
- Limiting how much people dump on you emotionally
Finding God in the Weight of Responsibility
God Never Asked You to Carry Everything Alone
1 Peter 5:7–“Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.”
God never wanted us to carry everything ourselves. He holds us and wants us to share our burdens with Him.
We need to surrender to God. Give Him all the pressure and weight of the world that we are feeling. He wants us to cast our worries, cares, and anxiety on Him so He can take care of it, and us.
In the middle of it all, we need to remember that God never called us to perfection. He called us to Him. Accept that He has given us grace for when we aren’t perfect—and we never are.
Grace for the Mom and Caregiver Who Feels Tired
When you feel like you aren’t enough, know that God sees you. He loves you no matter how much you accomplish in a day/week/month/hour. Your worth to God is never based on how productive you are.
God sees the work–the work that others have seen and the unseen work. He sees all the behind-the-scenes things that no one else can see.
We will never be perfect. God knows that, and He wants our faithfulness more than our desire for perfection.
Encouragement for the Overwhelmed Sandwich Mom
Small Things to Lighten the Emotional Load
Sometimes a little bit of encouragement can go a long way. Today, I want to give you that little piece of support and encouragement to help you keep going.
Find a couple of things that can help you disperse the load:
- Write things down
- Journal your thoughts
- Make a to-do list
- Brain dump everything that is in your head
- Create simple routines
- Do things the same way whenever possible so that you don’t have to remember to “do” them
- Ask for specific help
- Tell the person exactly what you need help with instead of “I need help” say “I need you to _______”
- Take short, quiet moments with God
- Pray while washing dishes
- Sing while watering flowers
- Thank God while changing diapers
- Let some things be “good enough.”
- Don’t focus on perfection
Closing Encouragement
As you read this, I want you to know that you do NOT have to earn rest. God never intended for us to be worn out and weary. He wants us to rest in His grace, glory, and peace.
Being overwhelmed does not mean that you are failing. We’ve all heard that saying, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” I’m here to tell you that it’s not true. If God only gave us what we could handle, then we would never have the need for a faithful, gracious God. The overwhelm you are feeling is just a season. Talk to God, your Father, about it. Let Him help you through it.
No matter what others see that you are doing, God sees it all. He sees everything you have to do and everything you want to do. Always remember that God sees and cares deeply for you.
Encouraging Scripture
Matthew 11:28-30
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Prayer of Encouragement
Heavenly Father,
As my sister-in-Christ is reading this, and she is feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, and unseen, wrap Your arms around her and show her Your love.
Help her to know that You are there to help her through this sandwich season she is in. Let her know that You see her and are there to support her through all the emotional weight of being responsible.
In Jesus’ Name,
Amen